"This Virus is Not a Tiger"
Submitted by Rachel Megan Barker | Originally published on Medium
Week 1: Houseparty
I have socialised more by video chat in the last week than I did in real life last month. I genuinely need to take a break from socialising during social isolation.
Week 2: Thoughts
I really thought I would get more reading done but I have barely opened a book in two weeks.
I’ve now managed to start feeling guilty about the fact I haven’t started taking any online courses, despite the fact that I am still working full time.
I should rearrange my room again.
I’m spending far too much time on twitter.
I absolutely do not want to go back to having to wear office clothes or, for that matter, jeans ever again.
I’m sleeping really badly.
I have now signed up to five different online classes and am still feeling bad about not reading more.
Week 3: Routine
I don’t know about you, but instead of developing any kind of routine, my entire schedule has collapsed in on itself. I’ll take a nap at 2pm, talk to my boss at 9pm, work on a personal project at 4am, take a work call at the weekend and spend Monday morning browsing instagram.
Week 4: Guilt
I’ve tangled myself in a very specific guilt knot. I’m looking at a lot of stuff about death; death rates, demographic data around deaths, bereavement support, mortuary capacity.
And honestly even if I didn’t spend so much time looking at this stuff, I would just know people are dying. And I am sad about it.
What I’ve managed to tangle myself in a stupid guilt knot about is that I don’t know these people, and so by being sad about their deaths I am also centering myself in their tragedy when I have no real right to be sad about them compared to their actual friends and family. Apparently. According to my brain right now.
Week 5: Time
I am trying to line up my certainty that my friends in the US are running on a COVID timetable that is about two weeks behind the UK with the actual reality of the dates sitting in front of me on various wikipedia articles.
I reach the existential conclusion that time has in fact collapsed in on itself and no longer exists.
Week 6: More guilt
I’m now feeling guilty about donating to charities, which truly makes no sense.
Week 7: Mutual aid
This entire experience has actually maybe taught me how mutual aid works, and works effectively, so that’s something.
Week 8: Thoughts
I don’t really know when we all mutually decided to move from Houseparty to Zoom but I am glad that we did.
I wonder if people can tell how badly I am sleeping on work calls.
I genuinely think I’m sleeping badly because my body has decided it needs to be constantly on red alert because I might be in danger because of coronavirus. I wish I could explain to it that a virus is not a tiger.
