Planet Scumm’s “Love 'Em, Hate ‘Em” Gift Guide
Mass gift-giving seasons are tricky. Whether you’re celebrating a holiday, or you just have a bunch of friends with tightly-grouped birthdays, each present purchased comes with an unvoiced question.
Is this the right gift? Does it show I care? Worse, does it show I care, when what I REALLY want to do is put some annoying jerk in their place while still operating within the confines of “good cheer?”
Enter Planet Scumm’s “Love Em’, Hate ‘Em Gift Guide.” We’ve got recommendations for the sci-fi fans near to your heart, plus ideas for weird crapola you can foist on people whose hearts ought to be in formaldehyde jars.
LOVE ‘EM: SPECTRUM 26: THE BEST IN CONTEMPORARY FANTASTIC ART
Even we literary types appreciate the occasional picture painted, not with words, but with, uh… paint. The latest Spectrum edition features the year’s best in fantasy art, including pieces sourced from books, comics, and film, as well as conceptual art, sculpture, and other artistic mediums.
This year’s cover (by Audrey Benjaminsen) depicts a wan woman with bloodied fingertips staring through a ghostly shattered bird. So, if you’re shopping for someone with that exact intersection of interests, this collection’s a two-fer.
HATE ‘EM: FOOD FOR AN ASTRONAUT DOG
To be clear: a package of freeze-dried pooch chow could easily be misconstrued as an earnest gesture if the giftee has a dog and some marginal interest in the shuttle program. That’s why we’re only recommending this gift for someone who doesn’t own a canine.
Ideally, they shouldn't own an animal at all, but if they do you can dispel any nascent gratitude by aggressively questioning if their pet could “hack it” in NASA.
“You think Parker could work out a simple gimbal equation, Melissa? Given training, of course. Some sort of positive reinforcement. I’m just not sure ol’ Park has the temperament. Porcupines probably present a breaching risk to the hull, but still—there’s only one way we’ll really know….”
Yes, this is real.
LOVE ‘EM: PLANET SCUMM VOLUME 1: EVERYTHING! THE FIRST FOUR ISSUES
There’s only so much we can say about this EVERYTHING! collection. It’s got the entire first year of Planet Scumm—eighteen stories altogether. It’s got every one of Scummy’s anachronistic space radio transmissions, too, so whoever you gift it to can read them in order. (Doesn’t make them any more coherent, if we’re honest, but damn if that sociopathic space slime isn’t bingeable.)
And, of course, the cover has a sick-ass picture of the Capitol Building burning down. (Eat your heart out, Roland Emmerich!) If you feel safe entertaining this politically-inflammatory softcover as a gift option for a friend or family member, trust us—the love you share with that potential future EVERYTHING!-owner is both real and deep.
HATE ‘EM: REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF TECHNETIUM-99
Nothing conveys plasma-hot disdain like a sample of this C-tier periodic element. At just under 1,000 euros, whoever receives this ampoule in their stocking will know you spared no expense making a passive-aggressive statement about their personality. Are you gifting krypton, as a riff on some mutual love for the Man of Steel? Or titanium, representing the strength of your friendship? Nope—you’re handing out the maximum legal quantity of a medical radiotracer, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
And don’t let that warning trefoil on the packaging fool you, either. The trace amount of technetium in this gift is just radioactive enough to be worrying, but not nearly radioactive enough to ever be exciting.
LOVE ‘EM: MAE AMONG THE STARS, BY RODA AHMED
For those with young ones to entertain this time of year, consider an illustrated account of astronaut Mae Carol Jemison’s early life. Jemison, who became the first black woman to travel in space when she served aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavor, is exactly the sort of hero kiddos ought to hear about these days.
As Managing Editor Tyler Berd put it: “Good pictures, good message, true facts.”
HATE ‘EM: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE YADDLE FIGURINE THAT YOU UNSUCCESSFULLY TRY TO PASS OFF AS “GROWN-UP BABY YODA”
The long, cold tentacles of the Disney hypercorp have produced cutesy hit after cuddly winner over the past few years. First there was BB-8, then porgs, then Luke’s big-uddered space cow. Now, we have Baby Yoda, from “The Mandalorian.” (Spoiler alert for “The Mandalorian”: There is a yoda, and he smol.)
That’s why this gift is perfect for any loathsome Star Wars fanatics on your list. You clearly knew enough to purchase something from Star Wars. In fact, you knew enough about the franchise that you identified a minor character from the hated prequels—Yaddle, a yoda who is neitherYoda nor Baby Yoda—and tried to pass them off as a future version of Baby Yoda, who grows up to be a granola wholesaler on Dagobah. And, to be fair, for all we know that’s exactly what Disney plans on revealing next season.
Honestly, what am I even looking at right now?
LOVE ‘EM: PLANET SCUMM “INNER SPACE” ILLUSTRATED MUG
They’re all about aqua. They’re batshit for broth. They get excitable for elixirs and extracts, ga-ga for goos and goops, nutty for nectars and jittery over juices. Liquids folks! Ideally, the sort you drink for sustenance. They love ‘em, and you want to help.
Enter this thermo-protective marvel of modern ceramics. It’ll hold those precious, precious fluids, and give the drinker some space-y visuals to distract from their life-destroying obsession with a fundamental state of matter.
Oh! Swooning for solutions. Heh. Thought of another one.
HATE ‘EM: DIRTY CARDBOARD BOX FULL OF GLASS SHARDS
When it comes to hate-gifting, there’s nothing wrong with sticking to the classics. This rectangular parcel comes in “Dry,” “Moist,” and “Moldy Burgundy.” Simply pick the dirty box that’s the right size for you, and partially fill with whatever loose glass you have handy.
A simple, understated “Must’ve broke,” is all that’s needed when presenting this perennial favorite. Are you lying? Is it the truth? They’ll never know, and that’s the greatest gift of all—mystery.
This is a real-life photo from our creative director’s reckless and uncoordinated youth (and yes, that box of glass did sit abandoned in the hall closet until they moved out)
LOVE ‘EM: DISCO ELYSIUM
ZA/UM’s Disco Elysium is your standard shaggy dog detective yarn. An alcoholic detective wakes up one morning with near-total amnesia, discovers he’s been charged to investigate a politically-fraught murder case, and is forced to rely on a unique set of tools to solve the mystery. Those tools? The fractured elements of his psyche, which talk to him and offer advice. Routine cop stuff, you know?
In truth, there’s nothing standard about Disco Elysium. It’s a computer game straddles the line between “roleplaying game” and “interactive fiction.” And while its post-revolution setting is strange as all hell, the game’s beauty lies in balancing washed-out technicolor weirdness with slice-of-life mundanity—a chaser for each metaphysical shot.
HATE ‘EM: NAMESAKE STAR WHICH FEATURES THEIR NAME EGREGIOUSLY MISSPELLED (AND THAT’S PART OF A SUSPECT CONSTELLATION)
Savor the look on their face when you reveal an aspect of the heavenly firmament has been named after them. Then savor the gradual, nearly imperceptible series of changes as they inspect the deed and realize that you somehow got the name “Boobie Someoneson” out of “Bobbie Sorenson.”
For the kicker, regale them with a tale of their new star’s parent constellation: Dirkcules (also known Dirkacles). In variants of many popular Greek myths, Dirkcules appears as a cartwright or minor bureaucrat who impedes the hero’s journey through his lethargy and general unhelpfulness. For example: In an lesser-known telling of “Jason and the Argonauts,” the story abruptly concludes on the island of King Cyzicus when Dirkcules—after a brief, uneventful party—forgets where the Argonauts parked their ship.
