PRE-ORDER | PLANET SCUMM #9, “A BLOODY PULP,” IS HITTING THE PRESSES

The first ten customers to pre-order will get a free back issue of Planet Scumm with their copy!

Bang! Whizz! Kerpow! That’s the sound of six scummy shockers shooting at you down a darkened alleyway. There’s something here for everyone*—we’ve got two-fisted action AND fist-melting horror, space-age adventure AND Victorian-era mystery. Dragons, too. (You didn’t think we’d forgot about the dragons, did you?)

All this and more** can be yours for 10.00 USD (plus shipping) in “A Bloody Pulp.” We’ll let our friends the Scumm Buds go into more detail with the excerpted “Transmission Scumm” below. Planet Scumm #9, “A Bloody Pulp”—buy it, if you DARE.

*some people
*just those things, really

Pre-Order Issue #9

Scumm Memorial Jellython

Hosted by the Scumm Buds

...the sound’s weird? Nah, I have it right here. Muffled? Well, yeah it’s muffled—I ate it. I said I ate the mic. The mic’s insid- oh slime it all, we’re back on!

Wasn’t that thing you were just listening to great folks? I certainly assume it was. You’re receiving—whether you want to or not—“Planet Scumm,” the only moon-sized broadcast station and doomsday weapon this side of Andromeda. Smiley Scumm here, big-mouthed bloviator and one of many budding byproducts born from the blasted body of our forbear, Scummy.

We’re here in hour 4,387 of the Memorial Jellython, honoring our departed leader with non-stop singled-celled sonic shenanigans. Speaking of hours—the chronometer floating in my cytoplasm tells me it’s time to check in with some stories from around the galaxy.

First up—brains. Even a puffed-up, evolutionarily anachronistic slimeball like myself knows they’re important. Whether you use them for mental noodling or you serve them over noodles, seems like anyone who’s anyone needs a few on hand these days. But the brain trend isn’t a recent phenomena. Hailey Piper gives us some historical context in “Brain Trust,” tracing the popularity of cerebrum collections all the way back to pre-radio Earth.

Oh, what those lovable, delicious little humans will get themselves into! I don’t have the patience to raise any myself, but after “Planet Scumm’s” taboo-shattering (and continent-shattering) visit to the Earther planet last cycle, many galactic residents have found themselves the proud new owners of Earther colonies. David Busboom covers that development in “Ahead of Dragons,” and shows us that even technologically-advanced civilizations can learn a thing or two from Earthers about love and counterinsurgency.

Folks, don’t you want to just get away from it all sometimes? Just… take a single-seat fighter out to an isolated asteroid, park ‘er in a clammy cave, and chill for a few aeons until the Intergalactic Criminal Court dissolves? We’ve all had that feeling. But for the deserter in Clarissa Van Dell’s “On the Origin of Fear,” a trip to an isolated island proves that “getting away” is always harder than it first seems. You never really know what troubles you’re carrying until one rears up to eat you. Or, uh... greet you, I mean. Greet.

This next story is about a close personal friend of mine, and a long-time supporter of the “Planet Scumm” mission. Well, probably. I suppose Captain Starfall isn’t exactly a “close” friend, but we did share a cell once. A cellblock, that is. We were definitely in the same prison megacomplex, for sure—one of the guards told me before I devoured him. Pedro Iniguez kicks open our airlock with the action-packed “Sierra Starfall and the Elders of the Spaceways.” Sierra, if you’re listening, we’d love to interview you on “Planet Scumm.” And I personally promise that we’d allow you and your crew to leave after the segment.

Continuing our long-running “Transmission: Health” series is Elena Sichrovsky, who comes to us with expert analysis on a dangerous new illness spreading through the 2nd galactic quadrant. I’m just getting the details on the threat now, but it looks like this illness... breaks down the skeletal system… liquifies internal organs… turns the afflicted into a quivering, melting puddle of goo… huh. Doesn’t seem all that bad to be honest! But then again, I am not a doctor. Give “Marigolds in Winter” your attention, and decide for yourself!

We conclude with “A Song for Ganymede,” Austin P. Sheehan’s investigative report on lobbying efforts for animal conservations within space communities. While many spacers seem willing to provide for such preserves, corporate interests have so far prevented full-scale adoption, and there are concerns that environmentalist groups may start to pursue extra-legal courses of action. I, for one, am all in for the greening of space habitats. Popping a domed city just hits different when you *know* you’re wiping out an endangered species.

Stay tuned if you have the choice, folks! Spooky Scumm will be coming in after my shift for a few hours of “The Galinstan Theatre on the Air.” After that, Spike E. Scumm will be in the command chair to wrangle our panel of celebrity “volunteers,” who are having your donations beamed directly into their minds! All that and more on the Scumm Memorial Jellython!